Destroying The Lie In My Fire: The Truth Behind My Hiatus

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“She is mad, but she is magic. There is no lie in her fire.”

-Charles Bukoski

I recently came across this quote as I was reading, and it hit me: this was why my week-long break from writing has turned into a hiatus that has lasted several months.

My writing has turned into a lie.

I started this space as that blank page. I wrote what I wanted to write when I felt like it. I felt that catharsis that I get when I write longhand. And I was excited; the words felt authentic to me, and I was excited to see how having a public space would improve my writing and help me find a tone that was genuine.

As I started reading more about blogging, I became more and more focused on numbers and social media. I focused less on writing content that was genuine and authentic to me and more on content that people would read. And as a result, my tone has changed, which was the very last thing I wanted it to do.

I look back on my posts and cringe; in my mind, I sound like a self-help guru. Sometimes I don’t believe the things I write; I write them because they fit well for my niche, and it feels wrong, uncomfortable. Writing had somehow gone from something I enjoyed, my therapy of choice, to a dead weight that I had to pull. I felt like I was slogging through a storm.

I am in the process of trying to find a writing style and tone that feels genuine to me. I don’t want to feel like my blog is just like any other blog. I don’t want to feel like I’m just spitting out things that a self-help guru would say when I don’t really believe them. I don’t want this blog to feel like a self-constricting glass box anymore.

I want to feel like there’s no lie in the fire that I have to offer the world.

Image Credit: Unsplash

And that will take time.

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