Destroying The Lie In My Fire: The Truth Behind My Hiatus

Miscellaneous Musings

download“She is mad, but she is magic. There is no lie in her fire.”

-Charles Bukoski

I recently came across this quote as I was reading, and it hit me: this was why my week-long break from writing has turned into a hiatus that has lasted several months.

My writing has turned into a lie.

I started this space as that blank page. I wrote what I wanted to write when I felt like it. I felt that catharsis that I get when I write longhand. And I was excited; the words felt authentic to me, and I was excited to see how having a public space would improve my writing and help me find a tone that was genuine.

As I started reading more about blogging, I became more and more focused on numbers and social media. I focused less on writing content that was genuine and authentic to me and more on content that people would read. And as a result, my tone has changed, which was the very last thing I wanted it to do.

I look back on my posts and cringe; in my mind, I sound like a self-help guru. Sometimes I don’t believe the things I write; I write them because they fit well for my niche, and it feels wrong, uncomfortable.

I am in the process of trying to find a writing style and tone that feels genuine to me. I don’t want to feel like my blog is just like any other blog. I don’t want to feel like I’m just spitting out things that a self-help guru would say when I don’t really believe them. I don’t want this blog to feel like a self-constricting glass box anymore.

I want to feel like there’s no lie in the fire that I have to offer the world.

And that will take time.

Image Credit: Unsplash

The Truth Behind The Mask

Learning To Love Yourself, Re-framing Your Thinking

 

BehindTheMask

 

 

“To be nobody but yourself in a world that’s doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting.”

 

-E.E. Cummings

 

 

I absolutely hate it when someone tells you that everything happens for a reason. (And when someone tells you that you’ve chosen your parents, but that’s another story).

 

Yes, it’s true that the obstacles, the trauma you went through made you who you are. Yes, it’s true that those formative experiences may have made you stronger. But that doesn’t make them okay.

 

You were hurt. You have a right to be angry.

 

You have a right to be angry because we live in a modern society that’s pretty twisted.

 

We live in a world dominated by screens and unattainable “norms” of perfection where communication has reduced itself to the tapping of keys on a keyboard (or smartphone, whichever you prefer). It’s hard to be yourself amidst all that chaos.

 

Being yourself is hard. Society tells you one thing. At schools, the maze of cliques is a jungle in itself. And then there are the things you don’t see.

 

In my case, it was the tension caused by the contradictory East-West dichotomy. I conformed because it was the only way I knew how to survive. But rather than helping me survive, that conformity led to the one place I didn’t want to be.

 

I won’t go into the details here; you’ve heard me tell that story before.

 

We are all human. Words hurt. We can pretend that we’re fine when we’re really dying. We can project the image of being someone with no filter who doesn’t waste their brain or breath on something (or someone) at the edge of their peripheral vision.

 

But sometimes when the mask comes off we do care.

 

Some would say that the role play, the constant switching from role to role depending on who you’re with isn’t authentic.

 

My response is to read between the lines, because you may only know one side of a particular person.

 

Becoming yourself (and staying yourself) amid all those voices saying no, do this, do that is confusing. It’s painful. And it’s easier to conform than it is to stick out. Because going against the flow takes a lot of strength.

 

So the next time you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders, remember that you aren’t alone. Everyone has issues, even the people you consider “flawless.”

 

We’re all just trying to be ourselves in a big, confusing world.

 

And that’s hard enough.

 

Image Credit: Pinterest