Bullying: From Victim To Badass

Culture & Society, Learning To Love Yourself

Originally posted on Honesty For Breakfast

We’ve all heard that classic saying, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Whoever coined that needs to call me. I have a really big bone to pick with them. When I finally track them down, I’ll give their number to all you ladies out there who want to give him a piece of your mind. Just ask me for it.

All jokes aside, bullying sucks. When you’re growing hair in weird places, and sporting glasses AND a metal railroad across your teeth it gets even worse. I remember crying a river when all the lights were turned out as I replayed the school day in my head. I got a lot of phone calls from my classmates. But those calls weren’t to discuss homework or arrange the next trip to the movies. They were prank calls. They called so often that I became afraid of the phone. One thing led to another, and I eventually found myself on a therapist’s couch dealing with a cocktail of emotional issues and sporting a huge label that said I was disabled.

The bullying continued every day for 2 years, until I made the decision to switch schools. The new school was a much better fit, but the damage had already been done. I could spend the rest of my life wishing I could jump into a time machine and do everything over again with what I know now as a twenty-something college graduate but what’s done is done, and honestly, I think that the most painful experiences of your life can be the most powerful teachers. And bullying is no exception. Looking back now, I’ve realized that it’s made me grow in more ways than one…

It Makes You Develop Empathy For Others You’re probably thinking I’m insane right now, but yes, you did just read that headline correctly. Anyone who’s seen the documentary Bully knows that bullying is damaging. It can make you cynical. It can make you a recluse. But it can also make you empathetic. It allows you to relate to others and put yourself in other people’s shoes. Being bullied isn’t a prerequisite for being empathetic, but if you understand that everyone goes through pain, you can be kinder to yourself and others. And who doesn’t love a nice person?

You Develop A Thick Skin That brusque lady who snapped at you as you waited in line at the grocery store? Maybe she had a bad day. Maybe there’s something going on in her life that she’s distracted by. Maybe she’s just not a morning person. This is not to say that you’ll never be bothered by ANYTHING that is said to you if you’ve gone through bullying. You’re a human being, not a robot. Words can (and do) hurt. But you get good at picking your battles. You take in what you want to take in, and let the rest roll off. Easier said than done, yes. But I find that it’s a hell of a lot more fun going through life without worrying about what sort of ridiculous rumor the resident Regina George started about you behind your back. And all that experience dealing with your school’s version of the Plastics has given you plenty of practice, wouldn’t you say?

You Get to Focus on What Makes YOU Awesome Just because your bullies call you fat doesn’t mean you are. I mean, come on, not all of us have Cara Delevingne’s brows, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t just as awesome. Break out a piece of paper and pen and write down the things you love about yourself. Do you speak 2 languages? Love how beautiful your hair is? Are you unwaveringly loyal to your friends? Keep adding to it. Ask your closest girlfriends what they love about you, and add those things to the list. Put it up where you can see it. Focus on it. Re-read that list when you’re feeling down. Focusing on what makes you awesome not only boosts your self-esteem, but it’s also the most powerful “[insert expletive of choice here] you” to your haters. By focusing on what YOU rock at and pursuing your dreams, you can go to bed knowing that you busted your butt to get to where you are. And it’s still entirely possible that those bullies are still camped out on their couches looking for someone else to pick on. Who knows? You just might appear on their TV when they sit down for their next channel surfing session. Wouldn’t that be awesome?

It Shows You Who Your Real Friends Are You might have 500 Facebook friends, but that doesn’t mean that they’re REALLY your friends. When you’re being bullied, it’s easy for those around you to drift away. Not because they’ve suddenly decided that you’re worth less than their morning Starbucks, but because they’re afraid of becoming targets. Not everyone is going to stand up for you when you’re being bullied. But the ones that do? The ones that support you? They’re special. They’re the ones you should keep around. Actions do speak louder than words. Knowing who your real friends are keeps you happy. And when you’re happy, life is just better. And as for those who drift away? It’s their loss. You’re awesome.

How To Accept Compliments Without Feeling Guilty

Culture & Society, Learning To Love Yourself, Re-framing Your Thinking

(Originally published on Hello Perfect)

I’ve always had trouble accepting compliments. Growing up, I learned that in order to be a “good” girl, you had to turn down compliments. So I did – but that only served to grind my self-esteem in the dirt.

Sure, it took me more than a decade, but I think I’ve finally figured out how to take a compliment without feeling crummy afterwards.

Say Thank You

In a recent New York Times article about dealing with digital cruelty, author Stephanie Rosenbloom ended the article with a quote from James O. Pawelski, who acknowledged that we are “really bad, typically, as a culture about accepting compliments;” Professor Pawelski went on to point out that compliments are “meant to be taken in and really appreciated. They’re meant to be gifts.”

People don’t have to waste their breath paying you a compliment, but they do. They believe you’re worth it, and that’s worth acknowledging, even with a simple “thank you. “ Don’t you think?

Look For Things You Like in Others

I know, I know. Easier said than done. Sometimes people are mean. Many of us move through life reacting to what we’re told. But if you look for things that you like in other people, it’s easier to find things that you like about yourself. Sometimes the things people compliment you on are admirable traits that you can learn to like in yourself too.

Change Your Inner Dialogue

I’ll be frank here: I’m still working on this. It’s not like you can snap your fingers and your negative thoughts will dissolve. However, if you take a minute to say to yourself, “Wow, he/she thought I was [insert compliment here]. That’s awfully nice of them,“ instead of, “OK. Why did they say that? They don’t know what I’m dealing with,” you’ll feel a lot better about yourself.

Do you have any other good tips for accepting a compliment without damaging your self-esteem?

How To Glow With Good Self-Esteem

Learning To Love Yourself, Re-framing Your Thinking

(Originally published on Hello Perfect)

I was the girl in school who was picked last for any game involving a ball. While I was never yelled at for not getting an A on my report card, my family expected excellence. They often recounted their own childhoods, what they were doing when they were my age.

Those stories only served to make me feel like I was an ant being ground to a pulp under the heel of their favorite pairs of shoes.

I used that feeling of inadequacy to push me. I kept telling myself to look at people around me, to try to better them. In a structured, academic environment, it served me well.

Without the structure, I flailed. I had to build my self-esteem in a way that didn’t rely so much on external factors.

Intimidating?

Yes.

Impossible?

No.

How did I do it?

Cut Out Friends Who No Longer Serve You

We’ve all had that one friend who likes to make themselves feel better by bringing us down.

During my sophomore year in college, a friend from my hometown and I decided to be roommates. One we started living together, I quickly discovered that her sarcastic sense of humor that I had once loved was borderline cruel.

I started avoiding her while I was on campus and at home, even when she dropped the classic, “We should hang out,” because I knew that she made me feel inferior when I had no reason to feel that way.

I’m not saying that you need to have friends who tell you that you’re the cat’s meow every day; it’s good to have friends who challenge you. Sure, you might love that person’s sense of humor or the discussions that keep you engaged, but if you leave a get-together feeling crappy, they’re not worth keeping in your life.

Block that individual on all social media accounts. Erase their number. Sit down and talk to them if you can and make it clear that you don’t want to be friends with them anymore. You don’t have to go into the specifics about why if you don’t want to.

You’ll find that ridding yourself of toxic relationships makes you feel so much better about yourself.

Wear Clothes That Make You Feel Good

If you’re comfortable and confident in your clothes, people will sense that. They will be attracted to that easy confidence. But more than that, you will start to feel comfortable with YOURSELF, which goes a long when you’re developing self-esteem.

So if you absolutely KNOW that wearing a dress to a big event will make you want to vomit, even if you’re feeling pressured to wear one, don’t. Find something that flatters you and that you feel comfortable in.

If you spend an entire event worrying about how uncomfortable a garment makes you feel, you won’t be able to live in the present and enjoy the moment – and learning how to enjoy the moment goes a long way in helping to build your self-esteem.

Create Your Own Standards

I’ve found that building your self-esteem can often mean refraining from subscribing to the standards of others. Such standards are often unrealistic.

In order to deal with my depression and keep it at bay, I exercise for an hour a day a few times a week. A good day for me is where my symptoms are controlled, when I’m not triggered by anything around me.

Sure, to some people, that might not be their definition of wellness. Some people go lift weights for an hour, go to a Pilates class, and finish with a run on a treadmill.

I may not work out to that extreme, but I can go to bed knowing that I’ve accomplished something, and that feeling goes a long way in helping me to build my self-esteem. Knowing that I’ve done the best I can for myself, without worrying about what other people expect, makes me feel pretty invincible.

Do Things That Make You Feel Powerful

Doing things that make you feel powerful goes a long way in building your self-esteem. You stretch yourself. You do things you never thought you could do. That feeling that you get as you relish in an accomplishment? Hold on to it.

A few years ago, I traveled to Japan with a parent for a family event. My family wanted me to say a few words at the gathering. I was petrified, but I calmed down once I was assured that my speech didn’t need to be 15 minutes long.

The day of the event, I woke up a ball of nerves and with a stomach ache. I tripped and tottered my way through the crowded Tokyo streets to the restaurant, where more than 30 immediate family members greeted me.

Each one of them sitting at the giant table proceeded to give a “short” speech. As I listened to them, I could feel my face start to whiten. These speeches were not 2 minutes long.

They were 15 minutes long.

How was I supposed to give such a long speech in my second language with a stomach ache?

I started debating the option of delivering the speech in English. I knew I could do that for 15 minutes. Most of the people at the table spoke some English. They would be able to understand most of it. After all, it was the thought that counted, right?

All these thoughts went out the window after I registered the loud whispers being exchanged among my family.

“Is she going to do her speech in English?”

“Her Japanese wasn’t that good the last time she was here.”

When it was my turn, I delivered my speech entirely in Japanese.

Was I nervous?

Yes.

Did people laugh at me when I fumbled over my words?

Yes.

But the expression on my family’s faces as I put them in their place was worth the fumbling and the excruciating stomach pain. More importantly, I felt powerful. I had done something that I didn’t think I could do.

I had pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I now believed that I could do things that I didn’t think were possible.

You don’t have to make a 15-minute speech in a foreign language to feel powerful. You just need to push your boundaries, prove to yourself that you can do things you didn’t think you could. Building your self-esteem starts with small victories. Count them. Write them down. As you grow and evolve, things around you will change. But those feelings of power and self-confidence will stay with you even after the things around you disappear.

How have YOU built up your self-esteem over the years?

Why I’m On The Fence About The Self – Help Industry & The Key To Making The Changes You Want To See

Culture & Society, Re-framing Your Thinking

I’ve been through 2 self-help programs. These programs told me I was going to “find my inner beauty in 3 months” and “find the career of my dreams (or something along those lines) in 8 weeks.”

These programs claimed that they would “fix” my life, in a sense.

Have I embraced my inner beauty or gotten my dream career?

Nope. Not yet. I’m in the process of doing those things.

Sure, these programs have helped me somewhat, but they are not a quick fix. They are advertised to make you THINK they are.

This is why I have a problem with them:

You can’t develop confidence in 8 weeks or whatever else these programs advertise. Building confidence takes years. Your career is a constantly evolving journey. Your “purpose” is going to change as you change. You have to put effort into instigating the changes you want to see.

These programs in the self-help industry don’t fix your problems. You do.

I’m going to say that again. We fix our problems.

In response to the New York Times article that discussed young girls and the fact that they use YouTube to validate whether or not they’re physically attractive, one reader left the comment:

“Sounds more like our culture is the issue-again. It says a lot when the standard for approval and acceptance for young girls is physical appearance-but not so much for young boys.”

Guys go through the ringer too, you know.

I don’t think our culture is entirely to blame here; our society is made up of individuals who have the opportunity to help shape our rules. So yes, that twisted society that we always say has to change?

You help make it too.

I’m not trying to make you angry and say that everything that happens in society is your fault. I’m just asking you to consider the fact that you might be engaging in little things that are helping to create a society you don’t want to see.

Gandhi was right. In order to change the world, you have to BE that change.

What sorts of changes do YOU want to see in today’s society?

How To Feel Powerful & The Hard Truth About Overcoming Negative Feelings

Re-framing Your Thinking

“It is doubtful that we came to feel undeserving on our own. We were helped to feel unworthy. We were taught it in a thousand ways when we were little, and we learned our lessons well.”

I think all of us would agree. We’ve all felt like the lowest thing on the planet at some point in our lives.

Not good enough. Not capable enough. Not pretty enough. Not [insert your word of choice here] enough. The list goes on and on and on.

In case you’re wondering, I am in the process of doing this. Every week, as per my coach’s instructions, I’ve been doing 2 things a week that make me feel more powerful and capable.

Here’s the kicker though: It can’t be something I would normally do. So even though lifting weights at the gym makes me feel powerful and capable, she wouldn’t count it because it’s been part of my normal routine for a month now.

Yes, I was groaning loudly when she said that.

What have I learned from this experience, you ask?

There Is No Easy Way About It

So how do you go about feeling more capable/good/pretty/fill-in-the-blank enough?

You do things that make you feel that way.

No, sorry. There is no way to beat around the bush. There just isn’t. I wish there was, but if it were easy, none of us would ever feel like a fly on the wall. It’s just like overcoming a fear: you have to do the thing that you’re scared of so that you build a new association with it.

Do 2 new things every week that help you build that feeling that you feel you’re lacking.

Want to feel more capable and powerful? Do 2 new things every week that make you feel capable and powerful.

Go Easy On Yourself

What makes someone feel powerful varies from person to person. Your version of powerful might be doing something small (like connecting with someone you’ve never met over social media) or it might be something big (like lifting 300 pounds over your head). Acknowledge what you’ve done, even if it seems insignificant. What’s important is that it’s significant to YOU.

The Little Things Count

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: acknowledging yourself for the little things is important.

The things I did that made me feel powerful may seem insignificant to others.

For example, I tagged a celebrity in a post on Instagram, and they commented on my photo (the closest I think I’ll ever come to having a fangirl moment-see if you can find it!). Anyone who knows me knows that I am not the girl with posters of celebrities plastered on their walls, losing my voice screaming at concerts. (One concert in boy-crazy Japan was enough to cure me for more than a few lifetimes.)

I’d say that counted as going outside of my comfort zone.

It made me realize that I could do little things and still realize that I could stretch myself. It proved that I am capable of taking a risk.

And that made me feel pretty darn powerful.

What do YOU do to help get over negative feelings?

The 3 Best (Not-So-Pleasant) Lessons of Travel

Travel

I remember watching an interview for the film Saving Mr. Banks where Richard Sherman described his interactions with P. L. Travers as “coming out a wonderful, yummy, warm shower, and you feel very good and happy and up and somebody comes in with a bucket of ice cold water and pours it on top of you.”

That experience for me was Suzhou, China.

After Beijing and Shanghai, where all I got were incredulous questions when I didn’t respond to the locals in perfect Mandarin and icy glares when my American chaperone had to answer for me, followed by the icy question of “ She’s not Chinese?” I was looking forward to going somewhere else. Sure, I liked those cities, but I wanted to see more of China. And that meant going beyond tourist-y shops, and The Great Wall.

After all, I loved traveling. I loved going outside my comfort zone.

And the impression I got wasn’t a very good one. But those ten days will stay with me for a lifetime because of it. And not just because of the memory of hundreds of peddlers assaulting our tour bus, yelling at us to buy their wares and shoving their stuff in our faces.

The Welcome Carpet Won’t Always Be Rolled Out

It could not have been clearer that my host family had been expecting a life-sized Barbie to come walking out of the bus. Dinners consisted mostly of awkward silence. The moments of conversation we did have were few and far between despite my attempts to get to know them. You could say that they just didn’t know what to do with me, and that my Mandarin was basic, except for the fact that the grandparents spent every meal I ate in that house glowering at me, watching my every move. Other than that, the family stared right through me during meals like I didn’t exist.

To say that I was uncomfortable was an understatement.

My host grandparents looked at me and saw Japanese people, people who had caused them pain. It didn’t matter that I had an American passport.

You are not your heritage. Some people won’t want to know you; that’s just how the world works. You are not any of the labels society puts on you. Just because someone doesn’t want to know you doesn’t mean that everyone doesn’t want to know you.

Some People Will Just Want to Order Panda Express

As an adventurous eater, I’ve always liked trying food from different cultures. I am the kind of girl who tries the things that other people wrinkle their noses at. It’s great fodder for stories. And if you don’t like it, you can at least say you tried it, right?

Let’s just say that in China, there was one individual who leaned over our giant table during lunch one afternoon and asked, “Laoshi (Teacher), how do you say orange chicken?”

This individual proceeded to try to order orange chicken in halting Mandarin, only to receive a blank stare from the local waitress in return and 17 additional pairs of eyes staring at him. You could tell we were all thinking the same thing:

Panda Express? When you’ve traveled halfway across the world? Really?

For the rest of the trip, people proceeded to bother this particular individual.

“Come on. You’re in China. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?”

I’m not saying to order the local delicacies every time you go out and travel. But it’s more than likely that you’ll encounter people who aren’t as comfortable as you are about doing certain things. Not just when you travel, but in life in general.

Sure, you can have your own opinion about the things someone does, but that doesn’t mean that you need to force your opinions on them or make them feel guilty.

If someone you know wants to order Panda Express in China, let them order their Panda Express (or the equivalent). It’s their life, their experience. You have no control over that.

Staying In Familiar Territory Doesn’t Have To Be Bad

I’ve talked about finding your tribe, people who can support you. Up until this trip, I had always thought that if you weren’t pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, you weren’t making the most of the experience.

But after being virtually ignored by my host family and nearly passing out on the Great Wall of China, it was a welcome relief to chat with classmates on the tour buses and share our experiences. They were able to offer sympathy to those of us who were struggling. We bonded over the fact that we slept on beds that consisted of two-by-fours covered by a sheet. And yes, when we were really homesick, we found a Pizza Hut.

I had always been irritated by foreign students who came to the US, found a group of people from their homeland, formed a clique, and refused to leave that security blanket. It took me going to China to realize this, but I finally understood why foreign students form cliques and are so often afraid to branch out.

Sometimes experiences just don’t go the way you envision they will in your head. And it’s okay to admit that you didn’t like something. Traveling to a foreign country can be scary. Having a community that can offer you support as you navigate through your experience and speak your native language with you isn’t bad.

What are the most valuable lessons YOU’VE learned from a not-so-stellar travel experience?

How To Be Okay With Being Different & Accept Yourself For Who You Are

Re-framing Your Thinking

Watching the documentary Bridegroom made me cry because the documentary is a harrowing example of the power of love; it’s also proof of the fact that some people just don’t accept others for who they are.

Seriously. Watch it if you can.

I’m no expert on this stuff, but if there’s anything I’ve learned in this journey, it’s that you have to love and accept yourself before you can do that for someone else.

Everyone’s entitled to their own opinions, but it’s worth noting that EVERYONE deserves acceptance. I don’t care if you’re gay, straight, lesbian, bi-sexual….okay, I’ll stop before I go into rant mode.

Accepting yourself can be hard. Hard with a capital H. People may look like they have everything together, but the reality is they’re probably just as confused as you are.

Which is why accepting others for who they are is just as important.

There’s so much pressure in today’s society to look a certain way, think a certain way, do things a certain way. And if you don’t do it the way you’re “supposed to,” you stick out like a sore thumb.

Being different (with a capital D) is one of the hardest things to do, particularly when you’re in school. Don’t tell me you don’t have those middle school/high school horror stories.

I’m going to own up to it: I’m still working toward accepting myself for who I am. I’d be hard pressed to find someone who’s completely happy with who they are, someone who’s just stopped evolving.

And I doubt you’re that person. Otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this right now.

So what do you do in order to (start to) accept yourself?

Go With Your Gut (And Put Earplugs In If You Have To)

You’re going to be told what you want to do is just wrong sometimes. There are no ifs and buts about it. You can’t get everything right in your life.

Sometimes those reality checks are warranted. Like when you’re inches away from doing something drastic. Like making permanent decisions based on a temporary state of mind.

But severe issues aside, the truth is that you know yourself better than anyone else in the world. Yes, that list includes your best friend that you’ve known since you were 5 and your parents.

They may not understand why you do the things that you do; but the important thing is that you follow your inner compass.

Because sometimes the places you take yourself are better than where you thought you’d end up.

“I really regret going with my gut.”

Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve NEVER heard anyone say that.

Look Back On Your Accomplishments

Or if you can’t think of any, write out a list of the awesome things you’ve done/ are doing.

My friend (read: second career coach) made me write out a list of all the cool things I had done in my life. And even though I filed it away in the depths of my laptop, I pull it out every now and again when I need a reminder.

Because everyone needs a reminder of how awesome they are.

This is not to say that I stare at this list for hours and let my head inflate; it’s just a nice reminder to have to bring you out of the cyclone of negative experiences we can get ourselves into.

We’re all human.

The accomplishments don’t even have to be accomplishments. They can be highlights of your life.

My list of awesome includes (condensed and shortened for personal reasons):

Getting a college degree.
Studying abroad in Australia.
Traveling abroad to England, Ireland, China, Japan, and Mexico to expand my horizons
Recovering from childhood trauma
Meeting Olympic gold medalists Meryl Davis and Charlie White.

Keep adding to it as you get older. I have a feeling you’ll realize that you are a lot more awesome in real life than you are in your head. Your list of highlights won’t be the same as ANYONE ELSE’S. That’s pretty cool, don’t you think?

Find Your People And Surround Yourself With Them

For those of you who have been following the blog for a while now, you’ve probably gotten sick of hearing me say this, but it makes a world of difference.

You feel validated if you’re around people who you relate to. Your dreams don’t sound impossible.

And that’s one of the best things in the world.

Because when you’re with people who all feel different, you don’t feel that different yourself, right?

We’re all different in our own ways. That’s what makes us human. We all deserve love; it just takes some of us a while to realize it. As the documentary says, “it’s not a gay thing. It’s not a straight thing. It’s a human thing.”

Use Your Story To Help Others

I’ve said it before: You may not believe me, but your story matters. It does. It doesn’t have to define you. You can use it as fuel.

It takes time to find out how your story can help others, but it can.

I used mine to start this blog. Shane Bitney Crone uses his story to be an advocate for equal rights. Demi Lovato uses hers to be an anti-bullying and mental health advocate.

I can’t speak for either one of them, but I can say for myself that the people who have reached out to me with encouragement, and said that I’d helped them in some way through my writing, is more rewarding to me than anything.

And that sense of accomplishment, of giving back, has allowed me to begin to accept my story, and myself, that much more.

What have YOU found most helpful in learning to accept yourself?

Image Credit: Demi Lovato VEVO Youtube account

The 3 Most Important Lessons I Learned From The Land Down Under

Travel

When you think of traveling, what do you think of?

Do you think of wandering local restaurants and avoiding tourist attractions like the plague so you can really immerse yourself in your experience?

Do you fantasize about falling in love with a local like the protagonists did in those cheesy 90’s movies?

Are you the kind of person who has to plan every hour of every day of your trip? Or are you someone who just likes to let things unfold?

I was the planner. But now I’m not so sure; I might be inching toward the latter.

And it took the me going to the land down under to start the inching.

You could say I came away from Australia with an appreciation for nature, TimTams, and some local lingo. And in some sense, that’s true. But I will always be grateful to the land of the Aussies for teaching me these things (and taking me out of my comfort zone again)

Expect The Unexpected

I had been dreaming of spending 4 months in London, interning abroad, using the internship as a way for me to start building a base for an international career.

Well my dreams of walking along the Thames and taking the Tube to a fantastic internship were dashed with a single e-mail.

I have no shame in admitting that I was crushed. I was burned out from exams, and the earthquake and tsunami had just hit Japan. The thought of the possibility of going to London for 4 months was the only thing that kept me going. I held onto the idea with an iron fist; I knew it was mine. It had to be.

And then it didn’t happen.

But after I had somewhat recovered, I realized that I had two choices:

a) Don’t go abroad (and regret it for the rest of my life and wonder “what if”)

b) Go abroad (and experience new things and be open to new possibilities.)

You know which option I went with.

Taking chances is always scary. There’s no way around it. But sometimes the things that seem to be the worst things on the planet turn out to be the best things ever. I didn’t expect to fall in love with TimTams (I can never eat Thin Mints again), try kangaroo meat or Vegemite, interact with aboriginal Australian people, or feel like the little mermaid as I swam in the Great Barrier Reef for class credit.

Regardless of your situation, there are always twists and turns in life; as the quote goes, a smooth sea doesn’t make for a skilled sailor. Planning can be good; but it can also prevent you from experiencing the things that might turn out to be the best memories of your travel experience.

You Never Know Unless You Try

One of the things that made me balk at the idea of going to the land down under was the idea of outdoor activities. I’m the kind of girl who likes a cup of tea and a good book. Hiking and camping just didn’t appeal to me.

But then I tried it.

And even after hiking part of the border of New South Wales and Queensland (which was pretty amazing, might I add), I know for sure that I am not an outdoors-y kind of girl.

The best thing is that I can say that I tried it. Yes, my legs were burning even though I was slogging along at the very end of the line, but I still did it.

Trying things gives you an idea of what you want, but it also gives you an idea of what you don’t want. We’ve all had that moment where we claim to hate something, try it a second time, and end up loving it.

Or you might end up realizing that your first impression was indeed correct; that you really don’t like whatever it is you tried.

And that’s still okay.

The Scary Things Might Not Be That Scary When You Actually Do Them

We’ve all had those things. Those seemingly insignificant things that we’re terrified of.

In my case, mine was traveling alone. I mean really alone. No family I knew, no hotel reservations, no guidebook, no itinerary.

Enter Melbourne, Australia, which became one of my favorite cities.

There was something liberating about winging it. After years of always being a planner, having structure, I realized how good the opposite can be. This is not to say that I kicked the habit of being a planner to the curb, but I learned that having an open mind can make life so much easier.

Don’t let anyone tell you that your fears are stupid; there’s a reason for them, and they vary from person to person. It’s just that once you bite the bullet, you may find that the things you feared are actually things you like to do.

What are YOUR favorite foreign cities that you’ve traveled to? What have you learned from conquering your fears abroad?

The 5 Keys To Overcome Your Fears

Re-framing Your Thinking

What if you didn’t do something that scared you every day?

What if you did one thing that scares you per week?

I used to think that driving was the scariest thing in the world; I avoided driving like the plague.

I mean, can you blame me after getting into 2 accidents and constantly being yelled at when you’re that giddy 16-year old who dreams of racing down the 405 with the top down?

But I can now say that I’ve found a new Scariest Thing Ever.

And I’ve been doing it once a week.

Therapy.

Anyone who knows me knows that I wouldn’t wish therapy on my worst enemy; I would send it straight down into the seventh pit of Hades.

I keep my arms crossed the entire time.

I barely breathe for that entire hour.

I answer in clipped words.

Every bone is screaming at me to run like this man has a gun pointed at my head.

Do I like the therapist? Nope.

So WHY in the WORLD would I “want” to subject myself to sitting on a sweaty leather couch in a windowless room pouring out my heart (or as much as I feel is necessary for said therapist to get the answers to his questions) for an hour a week with my mother sitting in the next chair over?

Ask me that in a few months.

But I know for SURE that the Nike headline did not come to mind.

Because just doing it can be the scariest thing in the world. Sure, it may be one of the best pieces of kick-yourself-in-the-butt-and-enter-reality kinds of advice you can get, but sometimes it can be so unhelpful.

When you develop a fear, there’s a reason behind it, a story you have in your head. Something your mind wants to protect you from. It can be hard to “just do it” when all you’re hearing in your head is the wailing of an ambulance’s siren.

So how do you get over your fear?

Find Someone Who Can Support You

I don’t care if it’s your best friend who you’ve known since you were 5 or your neighbor. Finding someone who knows you well and asking for support is essential.

I know for a fact that if I did not have the support of a life coach (who knows me outside of our working relationship) I would NOT be ready to step into a therapist’s office.

I’m not saying everyone needs to go find a life coach before you face your fears; not everyone can afford that. You don’t NEED to have a life coach, just having a close friend is good enough.

Knowing that you have a friend at your back who can support you when things get difficult is a big step in taking the leap to overcoming your fears.

Don’t Push Yourself

I’ve said this before, but I have no shame in saying it again.

How many of you have compared yourself to your peers?

It’s easy to feel pressure when everyone around you is doing something, and you’re the only one who can’t.

Life can seem like a race.

I got my driver’s permit really early. I had these fantasies of cruising down the freeway with the top down.

It was easy; I had seen my parents drive me places all the time. You push a pedal and maneuver the car. How hard could it be?

I was yelled at, screamed at, had a few close scrapes.

Driving was not the straightforward, easy, fun thing that I thought it was.

It sucked having to ask my parents and friends for rides; I didn’t like having to take public transportation either.

But I was scared; I was more willing to spend more money and take more time to get places than confronting my fear.

It wasn’t until I started working on myself and let some time pass that I finally felt ready to try again.

You could say that I was procrastinating. But there is a strange part of me that is happy that I waited.

Because pushing yourself toward your goal can be good, but pushing yourself can also make you want to backtrack.

Everyone moves at their own pace. Just because you didn’t get something at the same time as everyone around you doesn’t mean that you’re worth any less than they are.

Acknowledge Yourself For The Little Things

Wise words, MLK. Very wise words.

I’m a planner. I like to have every detail in place.

But then I realized something: if I kept waiting for everything to be perfect, I’d be waiting forever.

When I finally decided to learn how to drive (for real this time), I went in and took the written test to get my permit.

Did I know who I was going to practice with?

Nope.

Did I know how I was going to get to practice in the family car on a consistent basis?

Double nope.

But I went in, took the test, and got that little piece of paper.

I made the first step.

Did my parents yell at me? Sure.

Did they guilt-trip me? Absolutely.

But as I returned home with that piece of paper in my hand, I felt so proud of myself. I couldn’t stop saying, “You did it,” over and over in my head.

I took my time getting home, took my time enjoying that feeling.

Because knowing that I had taken that first step rather than being dragged there, rather than being told that I “had to” do it was a lot more liberating than sitting in my house waiting for something to happen.

Sure, you may not have gotten over your fear, but the knowledge that you are taking steps to get over your fear feels pretty good right?

Look At The Trees, Not The Forest.

I recently had a friend ask me if I could edit her work. That would have been fine, except for the fact that said work was going to be evaluated in order to determine if she could get her teaching credential.

Um. Gulp.

Really?

Can someone say pressure?

Having her send it to me in sections helped me maintain my sanity. I was able to focus on each respective section as she sent it without the thought of “Oh my god, the deadline is getting closer; I have to get this done. Wait how many pages again?!”

I think the same is true for overcoming a fear.

If you focus on the little things you’re doing instead of the bigger picture, then it becomes less overwhelming.

Sure, not everyone is as detail-oriented as I am, and for some it might work to focus on the bigger picture. But some of us get overwhelmed too.

Breaking things down and focusing on one thing at a time makes things a lot easier.

Take Time To Recharge

You wouldn’t go out for a run immediately after crossing the finish line at an Iron Man, would you?

Yeah, I thought so.

Every time I come back from one of those therapy sessions, it feels like I’ve run an Iron Man.

Heart pounding.

Barely breathing.

More tense than a coiled spring.

So yes, after those sessions I curl up with my dog, a cup of tea and Sherlock.

It’s important to take breaks and recharge, especially after you’ve taken little steps toward getting over your fear.

Because those little things are also big hurdles.

You don’t have to do one thing every day that scares you.

You just have to take little steps toward doing that one thing.

What sort of things have YOU do to help overcome your fears?

Image Credit: Pinterest

The One Thing To Know That Will Make You Feel Like The Goddess You Are (And How It Can Help Stop Comparisons At the Door)

Learning To Love Yourself

How many of you remember that one really popular girl in middle school that everyone imitated because they just wanted to be her?

The one every other male in your grade had a huge crush on.

The one with the most chic wardrobe that every other girl wanted to raid.

Let’s just say, for example, that both of you (coincidentally) wore the same shirt to school one day.

Did you:

a) Think “Oh my god, I’m wearing the same shirt as she is! That automatically makes today awesome.”

b) Think that you look awful because you’re standing next to your middle school’s version of a Victoria’s Secret model and proceed to look for a hole to materialize so it could swallow you?

Knowing how awful middle school was for some of us, I’m going to assume that you went with the latter option.

I’m not trying to assume that everyone’s middle school experience was traumatic. I mean sure, it’s possible that you could have had a great experience and picked option A.

But middle school is generally hard. That’s when puberty starts doing weird things to us, and we start dealing with a lot. Friends, boys (or girls), grades…you get my drift.

We start to solidify our beliefs about how the world works. We start trying to navigate the world.

And with the media throwing airbrushed images in our faces all the time, it’s not hard for us to look into the mirror and think: “God, I don’t look like (insert celebrity’s name here). I fail at life.”

It took me going through high school and college, but I finally figured out how to put a dent in the “I must constantly compare myself to other people” cyclone, and I want to share it with you.

See Miss Popular who wore the same shirt as you today?

She wasn’t the one who decided that she looked better in that shirt.

You were the one who decided that it was an iron-clad fact that she looked better in the shirt than you did.

Miss Mini-Victoria’s-Secret-Model over there can’t control the fact that you think she’s better looking in the shirt than you are.

I mean, for all you know, she could think you’re the best thing since sliced bread.

Long story short, you are the one who controls your perceptions. The people you compare yourself to? Chances are they don’t particularly care what you think (assuming you’re comparing yourself to someone who doesn’t know you exist). And the people who do know you exist who you compare yourself to? They can’t control what you think about yourself.

You do.

Feel powerful now?

Yeah, I do too.

This isn’t to say that it’s easy; personally, I’m still working on my inner lizard (as one book I read so aptly put it), but knowing that I’m in the driver’s seat when it comes to how I think makes me pretty willing to make myself better than I was yesterday. It’s the little things that you like about yourself that build your confidence.

And knowing that I’m better than I was makes me feel a lot better about myself than I would if I were staring at photoshopped pictures of Miranda Kerr all day.