How To Feel Powerful & The Hard Truth About Overcoming Negative Feelings

Re-framing Your Thinking

“It is doubtful that we came to feel undeserving on our own. We were helped to feel unworthy. We were taught it in a thousand ways when we were little, and we learned our lessons well.”

I think all of us would agree. We’ve all felt like the lowest thing on the planet at some point in our lives.

Not good enough. Not capable enough. Not pretty enough. Not [insert your word of choice here] enough. The list goes on and on and on.

In case you’re wondering, I am in the process of doing this. Every week, as per my coach’s instructions, I’ve been doing 2 things a week that make me feel more powerful and capable.

Here’s the kicker though: It can’t be something I would normally do. So even though lifting weights at the gym makes me feel powerful and capable, she wouldn’t count it because it’s been part of my normal routine for a month now.

Yes, I was groaning loudly when she said that.

What have I learned from this experience, you ask?

There Is No Easy Way About It

So how do you go about feeling more capable/good/pretty/fill-in-the-blank enough?

You do things that make you feel that way.

No, sorry. There is no way to beat around the bush. There just isn’t. I wish there was, but if it were easy, none of us would ever feel like a fly on the wall. It’s just like overcoming a fear: you have to do the thing that you’re scared of so that you build a new association with it.

Do 2 new things every week that help you build that feeling that you feel you’re lacking.

Want to feel more capable and powerful? Do 2 new things every week that make you feel capable and powerful.

Go Easy On Yourself

What makes someone feel powerful varies from person to person. Your version of powerful might be doing something small (like connecting with someone you’ve never met over social media) or it might be something big (like lifting 300 pounds over your head). Acknowledge what you’ve done, even if it seems insignificant. What’s important is that it’s significant to YOU.

The Little Things Count

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: acknowledging yourself for the little things is important.

The things I did that made me feel powerful may seem insignificant to others.

For example, I tagged a celebrity in a post on Instagram, and they commented on my photo (the closest I think I’ll ever come to having a fangirl moment-see if you can find it!). Anyone who knows me knows that I am not the girl with posters of celebrities plastered on their walls, losing my voice screaming at concerts. (One concert in boy-crazy Japan was enough to cure me for more than a few lifetimes.)

I’d say that counted as going outside of my comfort zone.

It made me realize that I could do little things and still realize that I could stretch myself. It proved that I am capable of taking a risk.

And that made me feel pretty darn powerful.

What do YOU do to help get over negative feelings?

How To Be Okay With Being Different & Accept Yourself For Who You Are

Re-framing Your Thinking

Watching the documentary Bridegroom made me cry because the documentary is a harrowing example of the power of love; it’s also proof of the fact that some people just don’t accept others for who they are.

Seriously. Watch it if you can.

I’m no expert on this stuff, but if there’s anything I’ve learned in this journey, it’s that you have to love and accept yourself before you can do that for someone else.

Everyone’s entitled to their own opinions, but it’s worth noting that EVERYONE deserves acceptance. I don’t care if you’re gay, straight, lesbian, bi-sexual….okay, I’ll stop before I go into rant mode.

Accepting yourself can be hard. Hard with a capital H. People may look like they have everything together, but the reality is they’re probably just as confused as you are.

Which is why accepting others for who they are is just as important.

There’s so much pressure in today’s society to look a certain way, think a certain way, do things a certain way. And if you don’t do it the way you’re “supposed to,” you stick out like a sore thumb.

Being different (with a capital D) is one of the hardest things to do, particularly when you’re in school. Don’t tell me you don’t have those middle school/high school horror stories.

I’m going to own up to it: I’m still working toward accepting myself for who I am. I’d be hard pressed to find someone who’s completely happy with who they are, someone who’s just stopped evolving.

And I doubt you’re that person. Otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this right now.

So what do you do in order to (start to) accept yourself?

Go With Your Gut (And Put Earplugs In If You Have To)

You’re going to be told what you want to do is just wrong sometimes. There are no ifs and buts about it. You can’t get everything right in your life.

Sometimes those reality checks are warranted. Like when you’re inches away from doing something drastic. Like making permanent decisions based on a temporary state of mind.

But severe issues aside, the truth is that you know yourself better than anyone else in the world. Yes, that list includes your best friend that you’ve known since you were 5 and your parents.

They may not understand why you do the things that you do; but the important thing is that you follow your inner compass.

Because sometimes the places you take yourself are better than where you thought you’d end up.

“I really regret going with my gut.”

Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve NEVER heard anyone say that.

Look Back On Your Accomplishments

Or if you can’t think of any, write out a list of the awesome things you’ve done/ are doing.

My friend (read: second career coach) made me write out a list of all the cool things I had done in my life. And even though I filed it away in the depths of my laptop, I pull it out every now and again when I need a reminder.

Because everyone needs a reminder of how awesome they are.

This is not to say that I stare at this list for hours and let my head inflate; it’s just a nice reminder to have to bring you out of the cyclone of negative experiences we can get ourselves into.

We’re all human.

The accomplishments don’t even have to be accomplishments. They can be highlights of your life.

My list of awesome includes (condensed and shortened for personal reasons):

Getting a college degree.
Studying abroad in Australia.
Traveling abroad to England, Ireland, China, Japan, and Mexico to expand my horizons
Recovering from childhood trauma
Meeting Olympic gold medalists Meryl Davis and Charlie White.

Keep adding to it as you get older. I have a feeling you’ll realize that you are a lot more awesome in real life than you are in your head. Your list of highlights won’t be the same as ANYONE ELSE’S. That’s pretty cool, don’t you think?

Find Your People And Surround Yourself With Them

For those of you who have been following the blog for a while now, you’ve probably gotten sick of hearing me say this, but it makes a world of difference.

You feel validated if you’re around people who you relate to. Your dreams don’t sound impossible.

And that’s one of the best things in the world.

Because when you’re with people who all feel different, you don’t feel that different yourself, right?

We’re all different in our own ways. That’s what makes us human. We all deserve love; it just takes some of us a while to realize it. As the documentary says, “it’s not a gay thing. It’s not a straight thing. It’s a human thing.”

Use Your Story To Help Others

I’ve said it before: You may not believe me, but your story matters. It does. It doesn’t have to define you. You can use it as fuel.

It takes time to find out how your story can help others, but it can.

I used mine to start this blog. Shane Bitney Crone uses his story to be an advocate for equal rights. Demi Lovato uses hers to be an anti-bullying and mental health advocate.

I can’t speak for either one of them, but I can say for myself that the people who have reached out to me with encouragement, and said that I’d helped them in some way through my writing, is more rewarding to me than anything.

And that sense of accomplishment, of giving back, has allowed me to begin to accept my story, and myself, that much more.

What have YOU found most helpful in learning to accept yourself?

Image Credit: Demi Lovato VEVO Youtube account

The Truth Behind The Mask

Learning To Love Yourself, Re-framing Your Thinking

“To be nobody but yourself in a world that’s doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting.”

-E.E. Cummings

I absolutely hate it when someone tells you that everything happens for a reason. (And when someone tells you that you’ve chosen your parents, but that’s another story).

Yes, it’s true that the obstacles, the trauma you went through made you who you are. Yes, it’s true that those formative experiences may have made you stronger. But that doesn’t make them okay.

You were hurt. You have a right to be angry.

You have a right to be angry because we live in a modern society that’s pretty twisted.

We live in a world dominated by screens and unattainable “norms” of perfection where communication has reduced itself to the tapping of keys on a keyboard (or smartphone, whichever you prefer). It’s hard to be yourself amidst all that chaos.

Being yourself is hard. Society tells you one thing. At schools, the maze of cliques is a jungle in itself. And then there are the things you don’t see.

In my case, it was the tension caused by the contradictory East-West dichotomy. I conformed because it was the only way I knew how to survive. But rather than helping me survive, that conformity led to the one place I didn’t want to be.

I won’t go into the details here; you’ve heard me tell that story before.

We are all human. Words hurt. We can pretend that we’re fine when we’re really dying. We can project the image of being someone with no filter who doesn’t waste their brain or breath on something (or someone) at the edge of their peripheral vision.

But sometimes when the mask comes off we do care.

Some would say that the role play, the constant switching from role to role depending on who you’re with isn’t authentic.

My response is to read between the lines, because you may only know one side of a particular person.

Becoming yourself (and staying yourself) amid all those voices saying no, do this, do that is confusing. It’s painful. And it’s easier to conform than it is to stick out. Because going against the flow takes a lot of strength.

So the next time you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders, remember that you aren’t alone. Everyone has issues, even the people you consider “flawless.”

We’re all just trying to be ourselves in a big, confusing world.

And that’s hard enough.

Image Credit: Pinterest

The One Thing To Know That Will Make You Feel Like The Goddess You Are (And How It Can Help Stop Comparisons At the Door)

Learning To Love Yourself

How many of you remember that one really popular girl in middle school that everyone imitated because they just wanted to be her?

The one every other male in your grade had a huge crush on.

The one with the most chic wardrobe that every other girl wanted to raid.

Let’s just say, for example, that both of you (coincidentally) wore the same shirt to school one day.

Did you:

a) Think “Oh my god, I’m wearing the same shirt as she is! That automatically makes today awesome.”

b) Think that you look awful because you’re standing next to your middle school’s version of a Victoria’s Secret model and proceed to look for a hole to materialize so it could swallow you?

Knowing how awful middle school was for some of us, I’m going to assume that you went with the latter option.

I’m not trying to assume that everyone’s middle school experience was traumatic. I mean sure, it’s possible that you could have had a great experience and picked option A.

But middle school is generally hard. That’s when puberty starts doing weird things to us, and we start dealing with a lot. Friends, boys (or girls), grades…you get my drift.

We start to solidify our beliefs about how the world works. We start trying to navigate the world.

And with the media throwing airbrushed images in our faces all the time, it’s not hard for us to look into the mirror and think: “God, I don’t look like (insert celebrity’s name here). I fail at life.”

It took me going through high school and college, but I finally figured out how to put a dent in the “I must constantly compare myself to other people” cyclone, and I want to share it with you.

See Miss Popular who wore the same shirt as you today?

She wasn’t the one who decided that she looked better in that shirt.

You were the one who decided that it was an iron-clad fact that she looked better in the shirt than you did.

Miss Mini-Victoria’s-Secret-Model over there can’t control the fact that you think she’s better looking in the shirt than you are.

I mean, for all you know, she could think you’re the best thing since sliced bread.

Long story short, you are the one who controls your perceptions. The people you compare yourself to? Chances are they don’t particularly care what you think (assuming you’re comparing yourself to someone who doesn’t know you exist). And the people who do know you exist who you compare yourself to? They can’t control what you think about yourself.

You do.

Feel powerful now?

Yeah, I do too.

This isn’t to say that it’s easy; personally, I’m still working on my inner lizard (as one book I read so aptly put it), but knowing that I’m in the driver’s seat when it comes to how I think makes me pretty willing to make myself better than I was yesterday. It’s the little things that you like about yourself that build your confidence.

And knowing that I’m better than I was makes me feel a lot better about myself than I would if I were staring at photoshopped pictures of Miranda Kerr all day.